Broadway has given us countless songs about falling in love. But falling in love is the easy part. Staying happily married for decades is considerably harder.
What does Broadway have to say about that?
Quite a lot.
Some of Broadway’s best songs are not really about finding love. They are about what happens afterward—when two people have lived together long enough to know each other’s habits, faults, moods and weaknesses. They remind us that successful marriages require affection, respect, effort, fidelity, partnership and the willingness to keep choosing each other.
Here are some lessons about marriage that Broadway has been singing for years.
“Do You Love Me?” — Fiddler on the Roof
After twenty-five years of marriage, Tevye suddenly asks Golde whether she loves him.
It is not an easy question for her to answer. Their marriage was arranged, and they met on their wedding day. Instead of talking about romance, Golde thinks about what their twenty-five years together have actually involved.
She has lived with Tevye, worked beside him, raised their children with him, shared his bed, argued with him, struggled through poverty with him and remained beside him through difficult times. When she considers everything they have shared and everything she has done for him, she realizes that perhaps there is only one reasonable conclusion: she does love him.
Broadway’s marriage advice: Love is more than something you feel. It is something you do.
Long marriages are built from thousands of ordinary acts of caring, sacrifice and companionship that may not seem romantic at the time. Cooking dinner, raising children, earning a living, caring for someone when things go wrong, arguing and making up, and simply staying beside one another through life’s difficulties can become expressions of love.
But there is another lesson here as well. Even after twenty-five years of demonstrating love through actions, Tevye still wants to hear the words.
Sometimes showing your spouse that you love them isn’t enough.
Sometimes you should say it.
“People Will Say We’re in Love” — Oklahoma!
Curly and Laurey spend this song pretending to warn each other against all the little behaviors that might cause people to think they are in love.
Don’t give me flowers. Don’t praise me too much. Don’t take my arm. Don’t look at me that way.
Of course, what they are really doing is describing affection.
Although Curly and Laurey are not yet a long-married couple, the behaviors in the song may be even more important after years of marriage than they are during courtship.
One danger in a long marriage is that spouses stop doing the little things they did naturally when they were first together.
Broadway’s marriage advice: Keep flirting with your spouse.
Compliment each other. Hold hands. Sit close together. Look at each other affectionately. Don’t allow familiarity to eliminate romance.
“How to Handle a Woman” — Camelot
King Arthur is bewildered by Guenevere and asks Merlin’s famous question: how do you handle a woman?
The answer turns out to be remarkably simple.
You don’t manipulate her, command her or devise some clever technique for controlling her. You love her.
The lesson works equally well regardless of which spouse is asking the question.
Marriage is not about learning how to “handle” another human being.
Broadway’s marriage advice: Don’t try to control your spouse.
You married a partner, not a subordinate. Respect, affection and kindness will usually accomplish far more than criticism, pressure or attempts at domination.
“Being Alive” — Company
Bobby begins Company as a committed bachelor surrounded by married friends. By “Being Alive,” he has begun to understand that a meaningful relationship is not simply companionship when convenient.
Real intimacy means allowing another person into your life deeply enough to affect you.
That can be uncomfortable. A spouse can challenge you, frustrate you, interrupt your routines and see parts of you that you might prefer to keep hidden.
But avoiding vulnerability also means avoiding intimacy.
Broadway’s marriage advice: Let your spouse know the real you.
A successful marriage requires allowing another person to know your fears, weaknesses and uncertainties—not merely the version of yourself you show to the rest of the world. Intimacy requires vulnerability.
“The Little Things You Do Together” — Company
Joanne’s description of marriage is wickedly funny because many of the “little things” she describes aren’t particularly romantic. Married couples argue, annoy one another, interrupt each other and know exactly which buttons to push.
Yet beneath the cynicism is an important truth.
Marriage is mostly made up of little things.
Anniversaries and vacations are memorable, but they occupy only a tiny fraction of married life. Most marriage happens over breakfast, errands, television, household chores, conversations in the car and deciding what to have for dinner.
Broadway’s marriage advice: Pay attention to the ordinary days.
A happy marriage is not created only by grand romantic gestures. It is created by how spouses treat one another on an ordinary Tuesday.
“Love Isn’t Everything” — I Do! I Do!
I Do! I Do! follows Agnes and Michael through decades of married life. That makes it particularly appropriate for an article about what happens after the wedding.
Their marriage must survive far more than romance. There are children, careers, household responsibilities, disappointments, disagreements and all of the practical realities of building a life together.
The song recognizes something that newlyweds may not always want to hear: love is enormously important, but love alone does not solve every problem that marriage presents.
Broadway’s marriage advice: Love by itself isn’t enough to sustain a marriage.
A lasting marriage requires more than emotion. It requires effort, responsibility and a willingness to work through the decidedly unromantic parts of sharing a life.
Love may be the reason two people choose each other. What they do after making that choice helps determine whether the marriage lasts.
“Make Someone Happy” — Do Re Mi
“Make Someone Happy” offers a beautifully simple idea: instead of concentrating entirely on your own happiness, make the happiness of someone you love important to you.
That is particularly good advice for marriage.
It does not mean surrendering your own identity or accepting responsibility for every emotion your spouse experiences. It means recognizing that your words and actions have an enormous effect on the person with whom you have chosen to share your life.
Broadway’s marriage advice: Make your spouse’s happiness important to you.
Kindness, encouragement, affection, consideration and support don’t require extraordinary effort. But repeated over years, they can become extraordinary.
“A Miracle Would Happen” — The Last Five Years
Marriage does not make other attractive people disappear.
Jamie discovers that success brings attention from women who are interested in him, even though he is married to Cathy. The song treats the situation humorously, but the underlying issue is serious.
Long-term fidelity does not depend upon never encountering temptation. It depends upon what a married person does when temptation occurs.
Broadway’s marriage advice: Protect your marriage from temptation.
Faithfulness is not merely an emotion or an intention. It involves choices. Maintaining appropriate boundaries with other people is one of the ways spouses protect the marriage they have chosen.
“I Love My Wife” — I Love My Wife
The musical I Love My Wife takes a comic look at two married couples during the sexual revolution of the 1970s. Its premise is hardly conventional marriage counseling, but that is precisely what makes its title song useful.
Marriage does not necessarily prevent curiosity, temptation or attraction to other people. Long-term commitment is meaningful precisely because alternatives exist.
Broadway’s marriage advice: Remember whom you chose.
A successful marriage requires more than saying “I do” once. There will be opportunities over a lifetime to make choices that either strengthen or weaken the relationship. Commitment means continuing to choose your spouse.
“It Takes Two” — Into the Woods
The Baker and his Wife begin their journey with different ideas about their roles. He initially wants to handle their problem himself. She insists upon participating.
As their adventure continues, they discover that each has abilities the other lacks. Together, they are more capable than either is alone.
That is a pretty good description of a successful marriage.
Broadway’s marriage advice: Be partners.
One spouse should not have to carry the marriage, household, parenting or emotional responsibilities alone. Good marriages make use of the strengths of both people.
When there is a problem, it should not be “your problem” or “my problem.” Whenever possible, it should become our problem.
Broadway’s Marriage Advice
Broadway cannot guarantee a happy marriage. Neither can a lawyer.
But these ten Broadway songs offer some surprisingly practical advice.
Show your love instead of merely assuming your spouse knows it. Keep flirting. Don’t try to control each other. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Pay attention to the little things. Remember that love alone is not enough. Make your spouse’s happiness important to you. Protect your marriage from temptation. Remember whom you chose. And work as partners.
Perhaps the common thread running through all of these songs is that a successful marriage is not something that simply happens because two people once fell in love.
It is something two people do.
Day after day and year after year, spouses make small choices that either strengthen or weaken their relationship. They choose whether to show affection, listen, forgive, compromise, remain faithful, share a burden, make time for one another or simply pay attention.
A wedding may begin a marriage.
Conduct is what makes it last.
Perhaps Broadway’s best advice is simply this:
Keep talking. Keep listening. Keep laughing. Keep noticing the person you married.
And every once in a while, buy two tickets to a show.
