Divorce and child custody disputes often become focused on the parents. Who gets the house? Who pays support? Where will the children spend Thanksgiving? Who was responsible for the marriage ending?
When children are involved, however, there is a more important question:
What is best for the children?
Broadway has been exploring the relationship between parents and children for generations. Its musicals tell stories about love, disappointment, absence, expectations, growing up, and letting go. They also offer lessons that parents can take to heart during a custody dispute.
Here are ten of them.
1. Let Your Child Be a Child
“I Won’t Grow Up” — Peter Pan
In Peter Pan, children celebrate a world of play, adventure, imagination, and freedom from grown-up responsibilities. They are in no hurry to leave childhood behind.
Divorce can force children to confront adult worries long before they are ready. They may overhear arguments about money, feel responsible for a parent’s unhappiness, or be asked to carry messages between households.
Protect your child from those burdens. Make room for friendships, games, school activities, and ordinary fun. Your child has enough growing up to do without being drawn into the adults’ dispute.
Childhood is short enough without parents making it shorter.
2. Reassure Your Child That You Will Be There
“So Big/So Small” — Dear Evan Hansen
In “So Big/So Small,” Heidi recalls the day Evan’s father moved out. As a little boy watches the moving truck, he worries that another truck might someday take his mother away as well.
A parent may know that moving out is not the same as abandoning a child. The child may not understand that distinction.
Tell your child that the separation is an adult decision, not the child’s fault. Explain, in age-appropriate terms, what will change and what will remain the same. Then follow through. Keep your promises, arrive when you say you will, and remain involved in everyday life.
Children need more than a parenting schedule. They need confidence that their parents will continue to be there.
3. Support the Child You Have
“He Could Be a Star” — Billy Elliot
Billy wants to dance, a dream that his father initially struggles to understand. In “He Could Be a Star,” his father recognizes that Billy may have a future beyond the mining community and considers sacrificing his own position in the strike to help him pursue it. The choice creates conflict, but it also reveals a father’s growing willingness to put his son’s future ahead of his own expectations.
Parents often have firm ideas about a child’s activities, schooling, or future. During a divorce, those differences can become another battlefield.
Before insisting that your plan is best, ask what your child enjoys, what talents your child is developing, and what opportunities will help your child thrive. Supporting a child sometimes means accepting a future different from the one you imagined.
Raise the child you have, not the child you expected to have.
4. Make Sure Your Child Knows You Love Them
“The I Love You Song” — The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
Olive longs for her absent parents’ attention. Her mother is away, and her father has not appeared at the spelling bee. In “The I Love You Song,” Olive imagines receiving the affection and reassurance she wishes they would give her.
Children of separating parents may wonder whether a parent who leaves the home still loves them, whether they caused the breakup, or whether showing affection to one parent will upset the other.
Do not leave those questions unanswered. Tell your child that you love them, and make your actions match your words. Never make affection depend on which home the child prefers, what the child says about the other parent, or whose side the child takes.
A child should never have to earn a parent’s love by choosing between parents.
5. Your Presence Matters
“Dear Theodosia” — Hamilton
In “Dear Theodosia,” Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton turn their attention from public ambition to their children. Each imagines a better future for the next generation and reflects on the responsibility of fatherhood.
The song is about hope and commitment, not a checklist of parenting duties. Yet its lesson is practical: children benefit when parents make their well-being a priority.
Attend the school performance. Help with homework. Listen to the account of a difficult day. Be there for the unremarkable moments, not only the occasions that look impressive in court.
During a custody dispute, it is easy to spend more energy proving that you are the better parent than actually parenting.
Spend less time trying to prove it and more time being one.
6. Do Not Dismiss Your Child’s Feelings
“Everyone Hates His Parents” — Falsettos
In “Everyone Hates His Parents,” the adults use the idea that everyone hates their parents to dismiss Jason’s objections. Rather than taking his concerns seriously, they treat his feelings as the ordinary complaints of a child who does not know what is best for him.
Children may not always know what is best for them, and parents cannot always give children what they want. However, that does not mean their feelings and desires should be ignored.
Parents should listen to their children, take their concerns seriously, and consider their needs when making decisions that affect their lives.
Listening does not mean surrendering parental authority. It means recognizing that children are individuals whose feelings deserve respect.
Just because you have the final say does not mean your child should have no say.
7. Love Your Child Even When You Disagree
“No Matter What” — Beauty and the Beast
Belle and her father, Maurice, may seem unusual to the rest of the world, but their affection for each other does not depend on the approval of others. “No Matter What” celebrates a bond that survives differences and criticism.
A child may disagree with a parent about school, friends, activities, or a parenting schedule. A child may also express a wish that is painful for one parent to hear.
Do not respond by withdrawing affection, inducing guilt, or making the child feel disloyal. You can make a decision your child dislikes while still listening respectfully and offering reassurance.
Your child should never doubt your love merely because you disagree.
8. Letting Go Is Part of Parenting
“The Hardest Part of Love” — Children of Eden
In Children of Eden, Noah and Father confront the difficulty of loving children who must eventually make their own decisions. The song recognizes a painful truth: parents can guide and warn their children, but they cannot protect them from every mistake or control every choice.
After a divorce, a parent may hold on more tightly out of fear of losing time or influence. Yet growing independence is not a rejection of either parent.
Give your child age-appropriate choices. Allow friendships and interests to develop. As your child matures, make room for a voice and a life that are increasingly their own.
The goal of parenting is not permanent dependence. It is helping children become capable of standing on their own.
9. Remember That Parents Make Mistakes, Too
“Fathers and Sons” — Working
In “Fathers and Sons,” a father remembers when his little boy regarded him as a hero. He also remembers admiring his own father before growing old enough to see his imperfections. The song reflects on how quickly children grow up and how parents, despite their good intentions, inevitably make mistakes.
Custody disputes can encourage parents to catalogue each other’s faults while overlooking their own. Children, however, do not need parents who pretend to be perfect.
When you make a mistake, acknowledge it. Apologize when appropriate. Do not ask your child to excuse hurtful behavior simply because you are the parent. Remember that time spent working to provide for a child cannot entirely replace time spent with that child.
Your child does not need a perfect parent. Your child needs a parent willing to learn and do better.
10. Take Your Child’s Dreams Seriously
“When I Grow Up” — Matilda the Musical
In “When I Grow Up,” children imagine adulthood as a world of freedom: staying up late, enjoying treats, and making their own choices. Their expectations may be fanciful, but their longing to shape their own futures is real.
Parents may smile at childhood ambitions or dismiss them as impractical. Yet curiosity, imagination, and even unrealistic dreams are part of growing up.
Ask your child what they want to learn or try. Encourage exploration without demanding an early commitment to a particular future. Offer guidance, but do not turn your own unfulfilled ambitions into your child’s obligations.
Your child’s future belongs to your child. Your job is to help make it possible.
The Final Curtain: Put Your Children First
Broadway’s songs remind us that children need more than food, clothing, and a place to sleep. They need love, reassurance, attention, encouragement, and the freedom to grow into the people they are meant to become.
For children of divorce, these lessons are especially important. Tell your children that you love them, and demonstrate that love by being present in their lives. Make sure they know that the divorce is not their fault and that they will not lose your affection because they love the other parent.
Listen to your children. Take their feelings seriously, even when you disagree with them. Encourage their talents and dreams, even when those dreams differ from your expectations. Accept that you will sometimes make mistakes, and be willing to acknowledge them. As your children grow older, give them the independence they need to discover who they are.
Above all,
let children be children.
Do not burden them with adult problems, make them responsible for your happiness, or ask them to choose between the people they love. Give them the opportunity to play, laugh, dream, make mistakes, and enjoy growing up.
These lessons are not just good intentions. They can guide everyday decisions after divorce. Keep your promises about visits and telephone calls. Attend school events even when your former spouse will be there. Do not argue during exchanges or use your children to deliver messages. Ask about their day and listen to the answer. Encourage their relationship with the other parent. When your child wants to try a new activity, help make it possible rather than turning it into a dispute over schedules or expenses.
Before making a decision involving your children, ask yourself three questions:
Am I doing this for my child or for myself? Have I listened to what my child needs? Will this decision make my child’s life better or simply make me feel that I have won?
Divorce changes a family, but it does not have to deprive children of a happy childhood. Parents who put these lessons into practice can help their children feel secure, loved, and supported in both homes.
Your children should be the stars of their own lives, not supporting characters in their parents’ divorce.
