As a divorce lawyer I frequently see parents who have difficulty communicating with each other. When parents have this problem they frequently resort to passing messages to each other using the children as messengers. Putting the children in the middle between the parents is harmful to the children and prevents the parents from decreasing the tension between the parents. Since parents can communicate through a number of methods, there is no excuse for using the children.
As a general rule, children tend to blame themselves for their parents breakup. They don’t understand the reasons for their parents behaviour and interpret the situation by blaming themselves. When parents ask their children to deliver messages, it reinforces this unhealthy belief. The child may feel responsible for fixing the conflict or guilty if the message causes an argument. Even seemingly harmless requests—“Tell your dad to drop you off earlier” or “Remind your mom about the school fee”—put children in a role they should never have to play: mediator between two adults. If things don’t go as a parent expects there is a tendency to blame the child for not delivering the correct message.
The Emotional Impact on Children
Children already carry the stress of divided households. Adding the responsibility of being a messenger increases their anxiety and can damage their relationship with both parents. When children are messengers they tend to think about the content of the message. This may cause them to feel pressure to “take sides,” fearing that one parent will be upset if they don’t pass along a message correctly. Overtime, this can erode the child’s sense of security and stability.
Healthy Alternatives for Parents
Fortunately, there are many ways for parents to communicate without involving their children:
- Direct conversation: Even if it’s uncomfortable, face-to-face or phone discussions show children that parents can handle disagreements maturely.
- Written communication: Email or text can reduce conflict by allowing time to think before responding.
- Parenting apps: Tools such as OurFamilyWizard, AppClose, or TalkingParents are designed to keep communication organized, respectful, and documented.
Keeping Children Out of the Middle
The key is to remember that children need to be children. They thrive when they feel safe, supported, and free from adult problems. By committing to direct communication—whether through personal conversation or technology—parents can protect their children from unnecessary emotional stress and model healthier conflict resolution.
Final Thoughts
Divorce is never easy, and co-parenting often requires patience, flexibility, and effort. One of the simplest and most effective ways parents can protect their children during this transition is by keeping them out of parental communication. Children should not feel like intermediaries; they should feel like children who are free to love both parents without worry.
If you’re struggling with communication in your co-parenting relationship, or if you need help creating a parenting plan that minimizes conflict, I can help. As an experienced divorce and family law attorney, I work with parents to find solutions that put children’s well-being first.
